Sometimes it's hard to be cheerful no matter how much you want to.   You make friends, you loose friends, that's a fact of life.  Your born, you die.  That is another fact of life.  You tell people your not feeling well and they get the idea your not want to be a friend.  Their loss.  They say it is how we live the life we have that makes us who we are.  I wonder who I am that it seems that can't grab a hold of my own destiny?  When think that finally have, it slips through my hand like water?  How many handfuls of water can one expect to grasp at before they give up?  What happens when one throws in the towel?  So many questions which have no answer for.   Have been told that am someone's hero.  Have been told it is life's little hiccups that makes you stronger.  I'm not anyone's hero, nor does life's hiccups make me stronger.

Had though to start this journal with the Witt of that little black cloud that follows me, has showed it still around.  But I do not fill witty this night.  I feel sad.    Had said in my last journal that had hoped to get my voice back but doctors though that operating on my back was far more important, so that is what happened.  Everything seemed to be going fine.  Was finding myself in less pain and found that it translated into me being able to have a little more mobility then had before.  Had actually been able to walk up to a block and back, though it exhausted me.  But do it enough and you do build up strength.  When went back for the month check up, the Doctor was impressed that was doing so well.  For the first time in a long time, a smile actually crossed my face and it wasn't forced.  

When a little over a week ago while walking to the powder room I felt an unusual pain in my back.  Shaking it off, continued on.  The pain refused to go away, even with my pain medication, which I must say had dwindled to one in the morning, and one at bed time, instead of every 4 hours.   They are powerful pain meds, not the usual that ones that contain tylonel in them.   I also found myself falling asleep while working on my art or while going though the many submissions to the clubs that am an admin in.  Even writing this have fell asleep several times.   I took my blood pressure and pulse, and knew I was not in Afib, which is the reason last time that could stay awake.   Though about going to my family doctor, but he is Chinese and there are issues with him.  But he is the best in the area.

So done nothing, because didn't know what else to do, besides had an appointment with my hear Dr, last Wednesday, and knowing my family Dr. he would tell me to go to my cardiologist.   When ever you go to University Cardiologist that I go to, you have to have a have a cardiogram.   When saw the look on my Doctor's face, knew something was wrong.    What he said, pulled the rug out from under my feet.  He took me off the medication which along with the heart surgery that had, was told that had at least 5 and if lucky 10 years if stayed on the medication.    Was told the medication was causing my kidney functions to deteriorate so in good faith he could not leave me on it.   Before leaving as an after though when had asked if that was the reason kept falling asleep, he did a blood test.  No jokes about needles.  

Thursday had to go for a weekly treatment for another ailment that in it's self could be a major thing, but as an optimist I knew I beat it once, so could beat it again.   But there is something so funny.  Nobody since my back surgery up until the Cardiologist, no one had taken a blood test to measure my blood count or other normal blood test.  Getting home late, I had missed the call from the Cardiologist so had to wait to call him back Friday, if could wake up long enough to call.   Well did call and was told they would call me back, mean time my roommate, bless her soul made me an appointment with my family doctor.  As getting ready to leave the university calls and starts reading off the results.  What do I look like, a Nurse or something?  Don't answer that.  Know that some people see Asian women as slut nurses.    The way she talked it sounded like everything was fine.   When I showed the results to my roommate who is a student nurse, told me my blood count was down.  The normal count is 12 to 15 and mine was 7, the same as it was when was given a transfusion after back surgery.  But that was supposed to boost me back into the normal range.    Well anyway, kept the doctor's appointment with family doctor who didn't to bother to look at the results, but said he had to have his own run.  So more blood had to give, and am already low on my blood count.  

After all the test that he run, he too concluded the same results as my Cardiologist.  So now what do I do, what will help.   His answer.  Take an iron pill three times a day, see me in a week.     No reason as to why my blood count had dropped from the ten that it had been brought up to in the hospital.  No reason why a medication have been on for two years all of a sudden began to not be cleaned out by my kidneys.  So many questions.  No answers.   Looking at my art submitted lately you could tell was becoming cheerful.   So now what.  Really don't know if have the strength to keep fighting.  I made a promise to a dream, but I don't even have the heart to work on my 3D, or pick up my camera now.  Something has to go my way without the bottom falling out.